Thanksgiving
(Only male turkeys gobble.)

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a thankful person and feel tremendously blessed with what the Universe has provided and for what I’ve worked to attain—wonderful and loving siblings, extended family, great friends, excellent health and work that I love. (I even have all of my own real teeth.)

But for some reason, I’m just not crazy about Thanksgiving or anything that goes with it—the parade here in New York, football games on TV, or even the turkey for that matter. So my partner and I high-tail it out of town to the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico to lay low while we gear up for the next holiday season. Truth be told we get a thrill out of knowing that everyone back home is working up a sweat by making every attempt to be thankful while over-eating mountains of food that took days to prepare…cornbread stuffing, smashed-spuds (my twin-sister’s seasonal favorite), sweet-taters, gallons of gravy, cranberry sauce, corn on the cob, that nasty mandatory green bean and onion-thingy, a Jell-O ring that nobody touches (what’s floating in there anyway?), pies, pies and yet more pies, and that big spooky turkey carcass lurking in the kitchen.

A resplendent feast of gargantuan proportions might have worked for the early settlers of Plymouth… perhaps that’s why they did it in the first place. The small colony of Pilgrims had set sail on a ship called the Mayflower, seeking freedom from religious persecution by the British. They loaded a cargo of provisions into the belly of a primitive vessel and set off to start fresh in a new land. To be sure, their trans-Atlantic voyage was riddled with illness, starvation, icky weather, and infinitely fewer amenities than the QE II. In 1621, the Pilgrims’ first bash was in celebration of the beautiful changing colors of the season, their gratitude for the bounty they had harvested, a gratefulness for having survived in the unforgiving nature of the North East and an indebtedness to the Native Americans who helped them survive. No doubt, I’m guessing they also said an extra special prayer that the chill in the air they felt was not a harbinger of a killing frost to come.

With a presentation of precious chow, paired with entertainment and worship, the Pilgrims gave thanks to and with the local Native tribesmen. Thus was born an American Tradition.

Traditions and memory can play a wonderful and magical role in how families celebrate holidays, Thanksgiving notwithstanding. My earliest recollection is my gene-pool sitting around a stretch of card-tables and my grandfather saying the Lord’s Prayer in Dutch. Being narcoleptic, he never quite made it all the way through without falling asleep and I remember adult stares at our weak attempts to hide our laughter while he snored. One year my grandmother lost a band-aid in the turkey dressing only to be later found by my dad— politely chewing, chewing and chewing!

Good guess the earliest shin-dig wasn’t as fancy as our current versions. Today many folks reserve the “good stuff” for company at holiday time. That’s when we bring out the heirloom silver, the Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles, and the linens that great aunt So-and-So embroidered while incarcerated. If your family is anything like mine (at least when it comes to the traditions of bringing out all the things that will eventually get passed down to the next generation), then you know how much work preparing all this rarely used junk can be: polishing tarnished silverware; unwrapping, cleaning, rinsing and drying the “heirloom” set of dishes; soaking the crystal glassware; laundering and ironing those stupid fussy linens, etc.

And like most hosts, you’ll pull out all the finery and do what you need to do to make it all ship-shape and shiny. Even if your offspring, parents and siblings don’t appreciate all the effort, at least your “adoptive family” of friends will be impressed. So recruit the kids to help, praying that they don’t break or chip anything, and do whatever else is needed to prepare the table while trying to also prepare that blasted bird.

In my honest opinion, the only thing worse than a dry turkey is a dry turkey presented on a tarnished platter. However, if your culinary skills could use improvement you’ll need to get good advice elsewhere. From me, you’ll get recommendations on how make the rest all clean and pretty, so if the bird is burnt, at least it’ll get carried out of the kitchen on a sparkly and shiny tray. To make this happen you’ll need a box of baking soda and some foil. (This is truly amazing!)

Line your kitchen sink or a wash bucket with aluminum foil. (The heavy-duty stuff works best.) Load up the silver you intended to hand polish, making certain that each item touches the foil liner. Cover the entire contents with boiling water and simply add a cup of baking soda. Even if all you have is that box that’s been sitting in the back of the fridge for the past five years, the tarnish will jump from the silver to the foil in almost no time at all! For heavy tarnishing that may still remain, simply make a paste of water and baking soda and gently polish the remaining surfaces ‘til they shine. It’s a completely safe chemical reaction that won’t damage your precious silver heirlooms the way harsh commercial polishes might.

To perk up and clean those hand-painted periwinkle plates, crystal glassware and just about anything else you intend to place on your table, borax is delicate enough for it all including dirty pots, pans and bake ware left when the guests are gone. Just add one-half cup of borax to a sink full of hot water. Wash well and rinse with clear water.

Now for that paroled Aunt’s embroidered handiwork…it has to be used because she’s been invited! (Yikes!) Freshly laundered and ironed, once on the table its biggest offender is red wine. Now of course you could choose to only serve white wine, but let’s say you serve red as well and your oldest uncle has had a few too many and…woops…spills his red wine on his sister’s penitentiary petit-point. Not to worry. All you need to do is pour as much table salt as you can to completely cover the stain. Salt is cheap, so if it’s a big stain, just get out the box and pour away until it’s lost under a pile of the white stuff. Allow it to sit till the wine has been absorbed and then soak the fabric for about a half an hour in cold water. Wash as usual.

While I’ve always said, and still believe, “No meal is complete until a garment is soiled,” there are 364 other evenings for that to happen—it doesn’t need to always be on Thanksgiving! So next year…take my advice…make a call, wish everyone well, and understand that giving thanks can happen in a million wonderful ways besides sweating over a hot stove, or driving over hill and dale and back (if you’re the guest and not the host), and only reliving your family dysfunction while making every brave attempt at recreating that famous Norman Rockwell painting.

So while you’re toiling, my boyfriend and I will be basking on white sand beaches and swimming in the beautiful aqua waters of the Caribbean.
(C’mon now…which would you prefer?)

* * *
Michael De Jong, is the author of “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published in 2007 by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of whom benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. De Jong, who cleaned apartments in New York City while working as a fine artist, began researching and inventing many of the recipes in “CLEAN” because of his own allergic reactions to commercial cleaning products, and he is continually experimenting with safe, effective and eco-friendly alternatives. Raised in the mid-West by a family that valued the environment and re-cycled before it was fashionable, his quest for non-toxic solutions comes naturally to him. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, and food, as well as posting a weekly blog on www.dailygreen.com. “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing” can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.