Washington’s B-day

“O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”
- William Shakespeare

Imagine the mess…

Sawdust, splinters, shattered branches, scattered leaves blown here and there, grassy knees, clay-soiled cuffs, dirty boots, forensic evidence on the axe handle and blade, and (of course)…cherry stains everywhere. I cannot tell a lie - if I, as a kid, had cut down a cherry tree (or any tree for that matter) in the vicinity of my childhood home, I’d certainly be remembered for it, too.

But, alas, the tale of young George and the slaughtered cherry tree just happens to be one of the most fabricated myths in American history. The story first appeared in Mason Locke Weems’ book titled, “A History of the Life and Death, Virtues and Exploits, of General George Washington” and then again in his “The Life of George Washington, with Curious Anecdotes Laudable to Himself and Exemplary to his Countrymen”…whew.

In actuality, Washington, the Father of Our Country, was an exceptionally dreary yet gallant first President. He personified many of the 18th Century’s absurd patrician “virtues”, yet surprisingly, lacked the grandiosity and courage one might imagine of such a prestigious historical figure. (Perhaps a gutsy General, but an otherwise dull kinda’ guy.)

In an attempt to make the First President’s gravy - so to speak - thicker, Weems, it seems, cooked-up a few Revolutionary legends with dreams of selling more books (remember - he wrote 200 years before there were Oprah or Jon Stewart to help hawk his hardbacks). Maybe this is why he felt the need to fabricate his most celebrated yarn of young George’s determination and true grit, knowing full well that it was, in fact, nothing but a heap of hoo-ha.

Listen to this…
“‘George,’ said his father, ‘Do you know who killed that beautiful little cherry-tree yonder in the garden? …George cried out, ‘I can't tell a lie, Pa…you know I can't tell a lie.’” Oh, brother! Weems dreamt up almost every word in his Washington biographies in hopes of creating a convincing and fascinating man out of one who was actually rather aloof, lackluster and frosty.

But despite all the tall tales, we still honor George Washington. Some admire him as the brave general, who, against all odds, successfully led a rag-tag militia of Colonials to triumph in the long messy war to break with the British. Others think highly of him because he sailed unchartered waters as the first leader of the newly formed 13 United States of America, and yet others reverently cast him as “The Father” among the Founding Fathers of our Country.

Born to wealth on February 22, 1732, Washington became the leader of the Continental Army in 1775 when he was only 43 years old. (Those powdered wigs really put the years on, don’t they?) After he led Colonial America to freedom from British tyranny, he was democratically elected as our first president in 1787; sworn into office in 1789; and served two groundbreaking terms until 1797.

Once he finished serving his country, however, he gathered Martha and his wooden teeth and hightailed it back to Mount Vernon where he retired to gentlemanly farming. The man who was an endlessly reluctant politician, just washed his hands of politics.

And just like George, our hands, whether used for chopping down cherry trees or cleansing them of any kind of mess, are the most nimble appendages we have. In fact, our opposable thumbs are what separate us from other life forms (that, and our ability to accessorize of course—from tri-corner hats and powdered wigs to Manolo Blahniks and bling-bling!). With our dexterous digits we feel the elements, and through touch we are able to assemble and react physically to the tactile world. We make manifest our dreams with our hands and likewise leave behind our fingerprints upon the world.

Conversely, sometimes the world leaves its mark on us. So whether you’re picking cherries fresh from the tree, freezing them for later, canning them, packing them into a pie, pitting them for homemade jam, gobbling them up, or chopping down their tree (not recommended!) - the best and safest way to remove those crimson spots is to just rub fresh lemon on your hands.

Any hands, be they George’s or Martha’s or yours, can be fruit-stain free. Don’t become a modern day Lady Macbeth by letting your horrendous hands get the best of you. A few drops of lemon juice and…out, damned spot!

Michael De Jong, is the author of “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published in 2007 by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three (now four) goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. De Jong, who cleaned apartments in New York City while working as a fine artist, began researching and inventing many of the recipes in “CLEAN” because of his own allergic reactions to commercial cleaning products, and he is continually experimenting with safe, effective and eco-friendly alternatives. Raised in the mid-West by a family that valued the environment and re-cycled before it was fashionable, his quest for non-toxic solutions comes naturally to him. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, and food, as well as posting a weekly Blog on www.thedailygreen.com. “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing” can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com. Take the “zen-cleansing” quiz at Latitude U. www.latitudeu.com

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