Leap Day
“Leap and the net will appear.”
– Zen Saying

Nested in a desolate valley, smooshed between two un-nameable foothills and peppered with ramshackle houses somewhere in Appalachia, lay a town called Dogpatch. Peppered with a cast of characters (each as dumb as topsoil) that included voluptuous hotties, illiterate old men, weatherworn womenfolk, dim-witted muscle boys, burglars and rascals, corrupt politicians and the occasional domesticated pig.

This entirely unforgettable, and totally magical, make-believe place was home to “Li’l Abner,” the forever-hunky-dashing-dufus, in the long-running syndicated newspaper comic strip by the late cartoonist, Al Capp.

With Abner as her only child, the righteous yet fierce and protective “Mammy” Yokum - the tiny, corn-pipe smoking matriarch of the Yokum family - was also the self-declared Mayor of Dogpatch. Her husband, the pint-sized turnip farmer named Lucifer "Pappy" Yokum - lazy and lethargic, slothful and sluggish - was ‘without even the gumption to scrub his own backside’ and was frequently seen being publicly lathered and bathed by his rough and tumble common-law bride.

Starry-eyed, blond, buxom, and beautiful - Daisy Mae Scragg was desperately smitten with Li'l Abner throughout the entire run of the comic strip, during which the dense-n-dumb Abner showed little or no interest in her endlessly beguiling ways.

As frustrated as Daisy Mae was over Abner’s indifference, another Dogpatch resident, Miss Sadie Hawkins (hands-down the ‘ugliest gal in town’) got even sicker of waiting for the ‘fellas-ta-come-a-courtin.’ But instead of moping and moaning, ingenious Miss Sadie had another idea: the creation of a holiday named in her honor with a declaration that on every Sadie Hawkins Day, there would be a race wherein all unmarried women would chase, jump and tackle Dogpatch bachelors, laying claim to the ones they could trap. For just that one-day, every Leap Day, the lucky Old Maids of Dogpatch were found on one knee, popping the question to their prey, after which followed a slew of shotgun nuptials.

Al Capp debuted Sadie Hawkins Day in a “Li'l Abner” strip on November 15, 1937. However, in my thirst for trivia, I discovered that another version of Sadie Hawkins Day actually had its origins with St. Patrick and St. Bridget in Ireland in the Fifth Century. The story goes that St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick that the ladies of the nunnery were in a twist…they, much like the ladies of Dogpatch, were also in jeopardy of becoming wallflowers while waiting for available men. With minimal arm-twisting, St. Patrick consented to the gender swicho-chango, thus allowing the women of that day to propose to any man of their choosing on every Leap Day. (I’ve yet to discover when that tradition was abandoned.)

Leap Day occurs every four years except years ending with "00" and those that are not divisible by 400. (Hey…I’m a clean-freak not a mathematician. If they say it works that way, it must work!) Spinning around the sun once every 365¼ days, the earth needs the extra day every four years to leap forward in order to keep our calendars on track.

Oh, and as for Dogpatch, in the end, thanks to St. Bridget, St. Patrick, Miss Sadie Hawkins and the invention of Leap Day, Miss Daisy Mae finally won her true but useless love, Li’l Abner. So what can we take from this history lesson? Much like Abner’s “Mammy” snagging his “Pappy,” and Daisy Mae snagging him – in affairs of the heart, no matter how frightening, sometimes it’s best just to dive in headfirst. Because, as we all know – “dreamboats” are in the eye of the beholder, and are usually more like diamonds beneath mountains of dirt.

(And ya’ know how I feel about dirt!)

Michael De Jong, is the author of “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” (http://www.zencleansing.com/) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published in 2007 by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three (now four) goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. De Jong, who cleaned apartments in New York City while working as a fine artist, began researching and inventing many of the recipes in “CLEAN” because of his own allergic reactions to commercial cleaning products, and he is continually experimenting with safe, effective and eco-friendly alternatives. Raised in the mid-West by a family that valued the environment and re-cycled before it was fashionable, his quest for non-toxic solutions comes naturally to him. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, and food, as well as posting a weekly Blog on http://www.thedailygreen.com/ “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing” can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at http://www.barnesandnoble.com/ or http://www.amazon.com/ Take the “zen-cleansing” quiz at Latitude U. http://www.latitudeu.com/

Please consider the environment.

Washington’s B-day

“O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”
- William Shakespeare

Imagine the mess…

Sawdust, splinters, shattered branches, scattered leaves blown here and there, grassy knees, clay-soiled cuffs, dirty boots, forensic evidence on the axe handle and blade, and (of course)…cherry stains everywhere. I cannot tell a lie - if I, as a kid, had cut down a cherry tree (or any tree for that matter) in the vicinity of my childhood home, I’d certainly be remembered for it, too.

But, alas, the tale of young George and the slaughtered cherry tree just happens to be one of the most fabricated myths in American history. The story first appeared in Mason Locke Weems’ book titled, “A History of the Life and Death, Virtues and Exploits, of General George Washington” and then again in his “The Life of George Washington, with Curious Anecdotes Laudable to Himself and Exemplary to his Countrymen”…whew.

In actuality, Washington, the Father of Our Country, was an exceptionally dreary yet gallant first President. He personified many of the 18th Century’s absurd patrician “virtues”, yet surprisingly, lacked the grandiosity and courage one might imagine of such a prestigious historical figure. (Perhaps a gutsy General, but an otherwise dull kinda’ guy.)

In an attempt to make the First President’s gravy - so to speak - thicker, Weems, it seems, cooked-up a few Revolutionary legends with dreams of selling more books (remember - he wrote 200 years before there were Oprah or Jon Stewart to help hawk his hardbacks). Maybe this is why he felt the need to fabricate his most celebrated yarn of young George’s determination and true grit, knowing full well that it was, in fact, nothing but a heap of hoo-ha.

Listen to this…
“‘George,’ said his father, ‘Do you know who killed that beautiful little cherry-tree yonder in the garden? …George cried out, ‘I can't tell a lie, Pa…you know I can't tell a lie.’” Oh, brother! Weems dreamt up almost every word in his Washington biographies in hopes of creating a convincing and fascinating man out of one who was actually rather aloof, lackluster and frosty.

But despite all the tall tales, we still honor George Washington. Some admire him as the brave general, who, against all odds, successfully led a rag-tag militia of Colonials to triumph in the long messy war to break with the British. Others think highly of him because he sailed unchartered waters as the first leader of the newly formed 13 United States of America, and yet others reverently cast him as “The Father” among the Founding Fathers of our Country.

Born to wealth on February 22, 1732, Washington became the leader of the Continental Army in 1775 when he was only 43 years old. (Those powdered wigs really put the years on, don’t they?) After he led Colonial America to freedom from British tyranny, he was democratically elected as our first president in 1787; sworn into office in 1789; and served two groundbreaking terms until 1797.

Once he finished serving his country, however, he gathered Martha and his wooden teeth and hightailed it back to Mount Vernon where he retired to gentlemanly farming. The man who was an endlessly reluctant politician, just washed his hands of politics.

And just like George, our hands, whether used for chopping down cherry trees or cleansing them of any kind of mess, are the most nimble appendages we have. In fact, our opposable thumbs are what separate us from other life forms (that, and our ability to accessorize of course—from tri-corner hats and powdered wigs to Manolo Blahniks and bling-bling!). With our dexterous digits we feel the elements, and through touch we are able to assemble and react physically to the tactile world. We make manifest our dreams with our hands and likewise leave behind our fingerprints upon the world.

Conversely, sometimes the world leaves its mark on us. So whether you’re picking cherries fresh from the tree, freezing them for later, canning them, packing them into a pie, pitting them for homemade jam, gobbling them up, or chopping down their tree (not recommended!) - the best and safest way to remove those crimson spots is to just rub fresh lemon on your hands.

Any hands, be they George’s or Martha’s or yours, can be fruit-stain free. Don’t become a modern day Lady Macbeth by letting your horrendous hands get the best of you. A few drops of lemon juice and…out, damned spot!

Michael De Jong, is the author of “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published in 2007 by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three (now four) goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. De Jong, who cleaned apartments in New York City while working as a fine artist, began researching and inventing many of the recipes in “CLEAN” because of his own allergic reactions to commercial cleaning products, and he is continually experimenting with safe, effective and eco-friendly alternatives. Raised in the mid-West by a family that valued the environment and re-cycled before it was fashionable, his quest for non-toxic solutions comes naturally to him. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, and food, as well as posting a weekly Blog on www.thedailygreen.com. “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing” can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com. Take the “zen-cleansing” quiz at Latitude U. www.latitudeu.com

Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail.

Be my
“Lincoln-tine”

“A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.”
- Groucho Marx

Beloved as perhaps our nation’s greatest leader, as a universal icon of freedom and liberty, and as an innovative visionary in the face of a collapsing Union, in the day-to-day, however, Abraham Lincoln’s life was actually filled with a great deal of hardship, loss, depression, frailty and suffering.

Born in Kentucky on February 12, 1809, his family relocated several times during his childhood, finally settling in Illinois, now known as the “Land of Lincoln.” His mother died when he was only ten, and he was left in the care of his abusive father. As legend has it, as a teen, Abe split rails for fences and was an avid reader, practically self-taught, reading on the job and at night by oil lamp.

As a young man he became a captain in the Black Hawk War, and then settled down and practiced law in Springfield. He was elected to several terms in the Illinois State Legislature, and ultimately won two of possibly the most chaotic terms any U.S. president has ever known. He cautiously struggled to save the Union, mindfully fought for emancipation and the abolishment of slavery, tirelessly campaigned Civil War battlefields to boost the morale of the Union troops, and thoughtfully struggled over the precise message for his Gettysburg Address—quite possibly the most eloquent speech ever given by a sitting President at a time of national catastrophe. And then, in the flash of a fanatic’s bullet, was executed by the actor and Confederacy supporter, John Wilkes Booth.

While alive, Lincoln labored, struggled and fought on a daily basis for every brilliant thing he achieved…except it seems when it came to romance, which if history tells it correctly, came easy and often to him.

Even without the aid of modern commercial conveniences such as heart-shaped boxes overflowing with hand-dipped chocolates, long-stemmed roses, toast points smothered in caviar, “slinky little-nothings,” little turquoise boxes crammed with diamonds, imported Champaign bubbling in elegant crystal stems, or jungle-red lipstick-kiss-sealed cards filled with breathless words of passion… he still managed to became a connoisseur of love.

If Honest Abe had sent St. Valentines Day cards, honestly…he probably wouldn’t have gotten much of anything else accomplished. Over his lifetime, our 16th President (himself, seemingly “A House Divided”) assembled a curiously long and varied list of paramours. To name but a rumored few: Orville Browning, John Hay, William Herndon, John Nicolay, Mary Owens, Sarah Rickard, Ann Rutledge, William Seward, Joshua Speed and ultimately, Mary Todd. (No wonder the poor man had headaches!)

But how synchronicitous it is that Abie-baby’s Birthday and Valentines Day fall so close on the calendar. To that end, I’ve now decided to combine the celebration of his birth with the chocolate “O.D.-ing” day for sweethearts into one ultimate celebration of “Lincoln-tine Day.” It’s difficult not to blur the presidential lover’s birthday with the day set aside for all lovers.

Therefore, in honor of our swinging 16th President and the fact that he might have had to deal with the same problems that many 21st Century sweethearts also contend with, for “Lincoln-tines Day,” I’m devoting this column to the removal of lipstick.

I don’t wear lipstick myself (Okay…who here is surprised?), so I went out and purchased a tube of the cheapest and brightest fire-engine red I could find to prove my ‘zen-cleansing” point…you don’t need scary, toxic chemicals to remove lipstick stains. (However, may I first take this moment to strongly suggest avoiding ever getting lipstick on your cloths in the first place? Man-o-man…it’s really stubborn to remove and requires a great deal of patience—but it’s do-able. It’s kinda’ like peeling an onion by carefully removing layer after layer. And the tedious process can cause almost as many tears!)

To begin, whenever attempting to make the sexy smear disappear, gently “dab” the lipstick smudge with a white tissue until no more lifts off the garment and onto the hankie (use as many tissues as you need to reach this point, only dabbing a clean area onto the lipstick!). This is only your first step in removing the oily color-infused part of the lipstick. (Do not—I repeat, don’t “rub” with the tissue or you’ll just make the stain worse, and even that much harder to remove.)

Next, laying the stained area of your fabric onto a hard non-porous surface, completely cover the lipstick smear with a dry mini-mountain of baking soda. Using a dry, soft nail or spare toothbrush, in small stroking motions, “sweep” the remaining lipstick into the dry baking soda and vise-ey-versey. At this stage, you’ll be amazed at how much more of the pigment and oil still comes out of the fabric attaching itself to the baking soda (which will turn very pink).

When you are certain that no more lipstick is coming out of the fabric, shake the color-infused baking soda into your nearest trash can—avoiding getting it on anything.

Although you will still see a ghost of the original mark, cover it again with a fresh heap of baking soda, but this time dribble a few drops of white vinegar onto the mound until it starts to bubble up. (You’ll like this part!)

When the vinegar-baking soda mixture finishes bubbling, add just a few drops of clear dish detergent to the area and scrub like the dickens. If the lipstick stain hasn’t disappeared completely, rinse the area in cold water, repeat the steps above, and then launder as usual. The telltale stain should be gone.

As for Lincoln’s lipstick smeared collar? Who really knows? Good guess…Honest Abe’s odds were fifty-fifty.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published in 2007 by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three (now four) goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. De Jong, who cleaned apartments in New York City while working as a fine artist, began researching and inventing many of the recipes in “CLEAN” because of his own allergic reactions to commercial cleaning products, and he is continually experimenting with safe, effective and eco-friendly alternatives. Raised in the mid-West by a family that valued the environment and re-cycled before it was fashionable, his quest for non-toxic solutions comes naturally to him. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, and food, as well as posting a weekly Blog on www.thedailygreen.com. “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing” can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com. Take the “zen-cleansing” quiz at Latitude U. www.latitudeu.com

Clean Monday
“I’ll clean the house when Sears comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner.”
- Roseanne Barr

Any holiday called Clean Monday is right up my alley and a perfect time to let the cleaning games begin. Among Eastern Orthodox Christian and Eastern Catholic religions, Clean Monday is the first day of Lent, falling the day before Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) and Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent for Western Christian faiths). Clean Monday occurs seven weeks before Easter Sunday and is when we’re called upon to straighten out our acts, forgive and be forgiven, clean up our lives, tidy up our homes and find (literally and figuratively) our center. No small feat, right?

Sure…I know there’s probably still a heap of snow on your driveway and that you wake to toss back your morning coffee in total darkness. But that’s bound to change as each day gets longer…and when spring is finally here, I hope we’ll all be slugging our cuppa-joe’s in a sunny spot or outside in the garden. And as “the sun shines in,” won’t you be happy that everything’s already clean?

So why not make Clean Monday not just a religious holiday but also a nifty day to start crackin’ your Spring Cleaning whip? Since Spring Cleaning can be a huge pain, this year get an early leg up on the heavy stuff - scrubbing the back stairs, washing windows, working up a sweat while Hoovering those overlooked cobwebs and dust-bunnies, etc.

I’m taking for granted that most folks already have a cleaning routine in place. You know…light dusting, vacuuming, mopping, and scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen.

Spring Cleaning is different…it’s what people have done for millennia. (Remember Wilma Flintstone chasing her Wooly Mammoth vacuum around the house and dusting with the tail feathers of her live Pterodactyl?) I think of Spring Cleaning as the time of year to get into the nooks and crannies that have been ignored the rest of the year. It’s a time of renewal, too - the shades and curtains get opened, the windows go up, the days get longer, the temperature climbs, and it feels like a natural time to freshen the nest. So, with that in mind, determine what you think is do-able, consider safe alternatives (e.g. baking soda, borax, lemon, salt and white vinegar) over any harmful commercial products you’ve used in the past, and whatever you do, don’t kill yourself by over-doing it.

The easiest way to begin is by dusting. A dampened cotton cloth is best for this task but for delicate surfaces (antiques, heirlooms, leather, gold-leaf and wood), a plain old dry cotton rag is swell. Dust everything in reach…your artwork, photos, knick-knacks, lamps, air vents, air conditioners and ceiling fans, and electronics (and behind the electronics!). This is also the time of year that I usually attack the walls, wallpapered surfaces, baseboards, trims and moldings. (You’ll be shocked and amazed at how much oo-and-goo can build up where you least expect it—or maybe you won’t be amazed and have just been ignoring it all winter!)

Vacuum the things you usually overlook: upholstered furniture, toys, draperies, windowsills, dog beds, toy boxes, vertical blinds, shelving, and of course, rugs. My vacuum is a super-cheap-o machine with ba-zillion attachments. (Spring Cleaning is the perfect time to finally use some of them!). It has a removable container to hold the nasty bits it captures and I clean the filter and the bin regularly - often several times during one vacuuming session. The cleaner the machine, the greater the suction; the vacuum is your friend so put it to work.

Next—the “big wash-up”—with a splash of white vinegar added to a pail of warm water, again using a soft cloth, rinse your medicine chest, swab your linen cabinets, clean your kitchen cupboards, wipe your bookshelves, dab your windowsills and door-jams and cleanse anything you wouldn’t normally freshen up each time you spin through your house for a weekly quickie-clean. Now’s the time to get into the dark and spooky corners you’ve ignored for 11 months.

Onwards to the beds! Launder your bedding and don’t forget a single layer. And when each is sparkling clean, if it’s at all possible, hang them in the sun to dry. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a bit chilly – as long as it’s above freezing and sunny, the sun will still do the job of drying your sheets, pillow cases, comforters, duvets, blankets, mattress pads and covers. And best of all, it will brighten them and make them smell naturally fresh.

Finally, wash your windows (inside and out), glass surfaces, and mirrors with a mixture of one tablespoon of white vinegar added to a recycled spray bottle filled with warm water. While paper towels work fine to wipe them all up, they’re not the most eco-friendly. I prefer the added bonus of using recycled newspaper to do this job.

Now remember…your house didn’t get dirty in a day, so don’t expect to clean it in a day. I set the timer on the stove for an hour, and when the buzzer goes off, that’s it - and next week I pick up where I left off. The way I look at it, whatever gets done is reason enough for a Champaign party. It’s amazing how accomplished you’ll feel. By weekly tackling just a bit, by Easter (seven weeks away) you’ll be back to

“Fabu-losity.”

So set the stage for success—have the perfect supplies on hand, the best company in tow (recruit your kids, partner, friends, etc.), the appropriate music filling the air and the right attitude to accomplish your chores

When it comes to Spring Cleaning, I always say:
“The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.”

(It’s a metaphor…nobody should eat elephants.)

Michael De Jong, is the author of “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published in 2007 by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three (now four) goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. De Jong, who cleaned apartments in New York City while working as a fine artist, began researching and inventing many of the recipes in “CLEAN” because of his own allergic reactions to commercial cleaning products, and he is continually experimenting with safe, effective and eco-friendly alternatives. Raised in the mid-West by a family that valued the environment and re-cycled before it was fashionable, his quest for non-toxic solutions comes naturally to him. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, and food, as well as posting a weekly Blog on www.thedailygreen.com. “CLEAN: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing” can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com. Take the “zen-cleansing” quiz at Latitude U. www.latitudeu.com