Christmas 09

Christmas ‘09
“It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone shorts.”
~Kelly Allen

The hustle and bustle of collecting Holiday gifts to give with the hopes of receiving others to then re-gift (a great recycling system), the drudgery of finding perfect Christmas cards (and why do we need to pay more for cards made of recycled materials?), making the time to scribble some holiday thoughtful mush-mosh nonsense into them not to mention addressing the cards and getting them to the post office in time to get them into expectant hands. Whewww!

Let’s face it - there’s nothing Zen about Christmas. If it were, Christmas might be as Zen as a common household refrigerator. (Ya know? Is the light always on or is it just me? Similar to asking "Am I conscious now?” or “Is my own inner mental light on or not?”)

When it comes to refrigerators, for the record, men eat far more fruits and vegetables if they're stored on the same refrigerator shelf as the beer…at Christmas time or otherwise. Similarly, storing fruits and vegetables at eye-level reminds just about every family member to mindfully eat them. But for some reason the crisper drawers are at the base of the fridge and we somehow always forget about the stuff we’ve stashed there. And cleaning out the crisper drawer is always a sad reminder of how good food turns into puddles of goo beneath other goodies—and unless you compost, that goo ain’t green!

Our new dog, a rescued 18 month-old Cairn Terrier called Emerson (named after the author Ralph Waldo Emerson or the 80s band Emerson, Lake & Palmer – your choice) is always sitting at the base of our opened refrigerator right in front of the crisper drawer. I’m convinced that the philosopher Plato was right. He once joked, “Your dog is a true philosopher.” That being said, Emerson’s either contemplating his own mental light, perhaps pondering the true meaning of Christmas, wondering how he might joyfully clean the slimy mess that’s growing in our over-crowed crisper drawers or – most probably – coveting the entire mess. And because its Emerson’s first Christmas with my partner Richard and me, to him I dedicate this ditty –

“Oh Crisper Drawer”
(Sung to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree”)

O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
Your contents seem delightful.
O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
I’m just a dog; not spiteful.
The meats and cheeses make me sad.
I don’t have fingers only pads.
But when the fridge is firmly closed,
Without some help it’s only nosed.

O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
The compact bulb shines brightly.
O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
The salsa lid’s on tightly.
I could be cheerful, gay and bright,
There's only splendor in the sight,
Of t-bone steaks upon the floor.
For Christmas dogs think more is more.

O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
Much pleasure you can give me.
O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
My endless barking is my plea.
The hidden pleasures that wait for dogs,
Olives, pickles and eggnogs.
Afforded me my greatest glee,
Replace my food with softened Brie.

O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
How richly God has filled you.
O Crisper Drawer, O Crisper Drawer,
I have this aching bugaboo.
It’s DNA that draws me there,
And fuels my sickened food affair.
I might be healed before next year.
But this Noel feed me brat’s and beer.

So if your refrigerator is a disaster this holiday season (all those leftovers that get left-over a day too long!), remember that baking soda works great to keep it smelling fresh. Just tear the top off a fresh box and let it do its thing. After a month, if you can find it among everything else you forgot was in there, replace the old baking soda with a fresh one and use the old box in a cleaning project so that nothing goes to waste (e.g. just pour it down the kitchen drain to freshen the pipes or add some white vinegar to unclog them).

And to remove that inevitable puddle of holiday goo, your crisper drawer will shine like new when cleaned with borax. Apply to a soft cloth or a dampened sponge and use as you would any commercial kitchen cleanser. Once tidy, rinse with clean water.

So whether your inner mental light is on or not, this holiday season think like a dog and get rid of that mess.

P.S. While I don’t encourage rash pet-purchasing for the holidays, many highly encourage and applaud all of the (mostly) volunteer rescue networks that each canine breed seems to have developed. These tireless rescuers, vets, foster-parents, nursemaids, interviewers, etc., that have devoted a great deal of their lives to saving abused and abandoned dogs. Cairn’s being our favorite breed (ala Toto), we hope you’ll visit Col. Potter’s Cairn Rescue Network (http://www.cairnrescue.com/) and even if you don’t adopt, you can at least ooh and ahh at all the cuteness.

Merry Christmas!!

The “Wizard of OZ”
(It’s American Fairytale Author, L. Frank Baum’s Birthday)

“I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse tomove after getting tornado warnings.

How hard is it for them to relocate?
Their house’s have wheels.”
~ Carlos Mencia

The Wicked Witch of the East; Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, The Wizard and - yes – those be-dazzling Ruby Slippers (originally Silver Slippers—oh that Adrian!)

Despite her dreary, repressed, pig-slop smelling, pre-pubescent years on a poor family farm in Kansas, beloved orphan, Dorothy Gale wondered what life might be like beyond her own picket fence. As with many adolescents, feeling no alternative but to run away in order to save her dog Toto from everyone’s favorite mean neighbor, Elmira Gulch, she meets up with a crackpot magician, and - as happens more often now because of Climate Change - she finds herself caught in the winds of a giant tornado. Barely making it home, she gets clobbered by a windswept window and falls through the sub-conscious inward spiral of the twister.

Once awakened - through the magic of Technicolor - she meets a village of Munchkins and Glinda the Good Witch who grants her the Ruby Slippers, and through one of the most memorable Hollywood musical numbers ever produced, learns to follow that conscious outward spiral to womanhood - the ever-famous yellow brick road.

In hindsight it’s easy to recognize the irony of Dorothy fulfilling a Wizard’s challenge to get home and then discovering that she had the ability to be there all the time, the Scarecrow hoping for intelligence only to discover he’s already a genius, the Tin Man longing to love only to discover his heart, a cowardly Lion who’s actually fearless and the citizens of the Emerald City discovering that their Wizard was actually an eccentric old man. That’s the Hollywood version in a nutshell. (OK! OK! Aficionados needn’t act on your urge to correct or comment on my interpretation, or misinterpretation…ya’ know you’re dying to and ya’ know who you are!)

Much like Dorothy and her cohorts feeling the need to visit the WASH & BRUSH-UP CO. (“Rub, rub here, rub, rub there”) to look their very best in preparation for meeting the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, the next time you’ve been away from home and need to tidy up a bit - green skin or not – you don’t need to visit the Merry Old Land of Oz to feel fresh.

So if you’ve been out riding a twister, romping through fields of heroin-laden poppies, “liquidating” evil witches with water, or, more to the point, walking miles in someone else’s shoes (Ruby-encrusted or not, who knows what the Wicked Witch of the East had going on between her witchy toes??), your feet can become riddled with fungus instead of remaining lady-like-soft-n-sumptuous. In the event that yours do, put your best foot forward and treat your athlete’s foot (Come on – chicks get it too!) by steeping your frazzled feet in warm, salted water (one teaspoon of salt per cup of water) for five to ten minutes every day. The salt kills the fungus and reduces perspiration. When finished, dry each little piggy thoroughly before slipping your dogs back into your Manolo Blahniks, Chucky T’s, or even your ruby slippers.

Along her trip, Dorothy's search for home inspires us, while her ruby slippers represent the “amazing feats” of which we’re all capable. So whether you’re on a space-ship to Mars, a cross-town bus, or riding a twister to OZ, mindfully enjoy the sights and sensations along the way as much as those when you arrive at your final destination. Don’t forget - it’s all about the journey! While searching for your heart’s desire somewhere over the rainbow, emulate Baum’s Dorothy, and remember to have the “be here now” ability to use your brain, your heart and your courage simultaneously.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.
Please consider the environment.

Mother’s Day
“It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”
~The Golden Girls

We all get one – a mother that is - and it’s no surprise that Mother’s Day is one of the most commercially successful of U.S. holidays.

What drives it? Is it guilt? When we recognize our female parents for their often under-appreciated responsibilities of raising offspring by toiling away to our benefit with steady and selfless love and support, can’t we do it without being commercial? But in recognition of all that she did/does/will do/might do, etc., on this special day, we can pay her tribute with a bit of eco-this and eco-that - potted flowers, herbs or decorative vegetation that can be planted in the garden, organic chocolate, socially responsible bling made from blood-free diamonds, shells or recycled materials, truly organic beauty products, or even soy or beeswax candles scented with essential oils with non-lead wicks.

But unfortunately, the flowers will soon fade and become compost. And in today’s economy, the rock might just end up in hock. And her backside (along with yours too, buddy) will only get a size larger from all that chocolate, eco or not!

But Mother Nature is everyone’s automatic second mom, personified as female for thousands of years and representing sustenance and nurturing – so it's quite fitting that on Mother’s Day we consider both our mother and Mother Nature as well.

Among those acknowledging the good deeds by women on behalf of Mother Earth, are the WINGS World Quest Women of Discovery Awards. WINGS was organized a decade ago to demonstrate how women explorers and field scientists are underserved, and sought to remedy the sad fact that young people often lack the curiosity to explore the natural world.

This special honor recognizes outstanding contributions to our general knowledge in critical environmental areas, while providing important funding for continued research and expeditions. What a remarkable way to acknowledge environmental advances, to exemplify the work of some genius women, girls, sisters, aunts, grandmothers and mothers, and to showcase the possibilities for women to work as scientists.
On Mother’s Day, whether your mom is a scientist, a geologist a paleontologist, or just a plain ol’ scrubologist, laundry-ologist or dustologist, take a moment and thoughtfully acknowledge her. Remember, she’s the one who took you on your first 9-month environmental exploration.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Hairstyle Appreciation Day
“If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive.”
~ Dale Carnegie

We all have hair—some more, some less. (Some of us even have it where we don’t want it!) Fine, medium, coarse - light blonde, copper-brown, honey-red, ginger-twist, sun-kissed, winter wheat, or ash—no matter, it’s all hair. And maybe that color is even naturally yours (yeah, right!), or maybe you’ve just paid a small fortune for it. The possibilities are as limitless as the hairs on your head—all 120,000 of them (for those of you who still have a full head of it or have had a head-full woven in—giving you 240,000 perhaps!!??)

I actually have a lot of nerve writing anything about hair. Perhaps someone less “follicly-challenged” than me—with hair resembling the “10”-rated tresses of Bo Derek, the strong as nails strands of Rapunzel, the carrot-top mane of, eh, Carrot Top, or the magnificent salt’n’pepper crown of Toni Morrison—should best write about Hair Appreciation Day. Don’t get me wrong, I have hair, and I do appreciate it. . . but, unfortunately, mine is mostly just clogging my drain.

What I can write about with authority, though, is that daily care with wholesome products can help keep your hair—if you’ve got it—strong and strikingly beautiful. When you’re shopping for your products of choice, keep this in mind: if you can’t pronounce the ingredients, they’re probably not all that great for you. I mean, what did folks use before Madison Avenue invented that 50s icon, the Breck Girl?

Now once you’ve made your selection and finally commence the act of shampooing, remember to always massage your scalp slowly but thoroughly with your fingertips, to vigorously stimulate the circulation of blood on the skin wrapping around your skull. You’ll be amazed at how much tension is stored there. Feel that tension float away as your digits activate your locks right down to the roots. (Even we baldies can benefit from this kind of stimulation!) Then, rinse thoroughly.

I know, I know, you’re automatically saying to yourself, “rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat” because every commercially produced shampoo bottle has brainwashed us to do this. “Wash, rinse, and repeat.” “Wash, rinse, and repeat” Says who? The “repeat” is less intended to properly clean your hair than it is to sell more shampoo. Only “repeat” if you’re in the mood to do so or if your hair is so filthy that you think you absolutely must!

Let’s not split hairs over this: remember, it’s good health and mindful grooming that make for beautiful tresses, not standing in the shower, endlessly “washing, rinsing, and repeating.” In fact, you can very easily “repeat” yourself into a head full of dried out frizz if you’re not careful.

Here are a few hair grooming suggestions for the continued health, beauty, manageability, and all-around wellbeing of your “crowning glory.” All of my ingredients are entirely natural, pure, familiar and safe, and require nothing more than “re-purposing” staples you most probably already have on hand. And rest assured that any of these ingredients washing down your drain are eco-benign, don’t pollute, don’t encourage algae growth, don’t smother fish and other aquatic life, and in no way upset the delicate balance of natural flora and fauna in our eco-system.

· Knead a few tablespoons of olive oil into your dry scalp and hair. Swathe your oiled-up curls with a shower cap and take a thirty minute breather...snooze, toss back a latté - whatever. Then just shampoo as usual to reveal a refurbished mane that even Fabio would envy.

· Every night, rub your scalp and massage your mane with a solution of 50/50 distilled white vinegar and water. This homemade “hair-product-residue remover” leaves behind the glistening, polished locks you’ve always dreamed of.

· And for the simplest of shampoo replacements, combine one tablespoon of baking soda with two tablespoons of water—remembering that this isn’t going to look or feel like any shampoo you’re accustomed to. Think of it more like a shamp-paste. There won’t be mountains of foamy bubbles (you get those in commercial products because of the chemicals added to get all that lather). Work the paste through your hair and rinse thoroughly, for unexpectedly clean and remarkably shiny hair.

Hairstyle Appreciation Day celebrates the distinctiveness of all styles of hair - comb-over, cornrows, crew cut, flat-top, pigtails, or Elvis-like pompadour - and allows each of us (bald or hirsute) to convey our unique brand of mindful beauty.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Earth Day
“Strange is our situation here upon earth.”

~Albert Einstein

March is when we welcome the first signs of spring—fading winter; the sound of songbirds; the once bare, leafless branches hosting buds at the end of every twig; the overhead migration of ducks; and the smell of part rainfall, earth and ozone creating a scent that certainly defines springtime and--for many--also Earth Day.

With Earth Day under our proverbial feet, many consider their “green-ness.” With the promise of a “green” economy as a growth economy, the majority of consumers agree with the popularity of “green,” as more and more venders offer these kinds of alternatives. With more information now than ever before available on how to become or go “green” on television, cable or on the Internet, many understand the recognizable benefits to individuals and society on the whole.

Everyone knows that buying and selling is good for the economy. But by buying “green,” consumers are purchasing stuff not just because they need it - they’re buying eco-goods because they’re also considered to be good for the planet. Of late, many consumers have even boycotted companies or products because of their undesirable policies and practices - compared to a growing number of individuals who recommend environmentally responsible products or services to friends and family.

Hoping that environmental awareness will eventually convince people to buy “green” products, manufacturers now produce products that eco-savvy shoppers supposedly want. Granola cruncher or not, to some, “green” isn’t just about a carbon footprint and rainforests, it’s also about social responsibility and being aware of how businesses affect the environment, our society, and our future resources.

Unfortunately, Earth Day for many has become yet another narcoleptic occasion to enact pointless environmental rituals while denouncing the greed and excesses many also find themselves ankle deep in. (With President Obama commemorating Earth Day this year with a trip to Iowa – one of the largest wind energy production states in the country – perhaps he might also inspire us away from our greedy, over-consumptive, egotistical selves – organizing us to make a personal sacrifice for the greater good.)

Although many sing dirges to global warming, I’ll guess that few really care to do anything. If they did they might start whistling another tune by starting small and making mindful alterations to their purchasing habits, minimizing travel, changing light bulbs, insulating/caulking homes, cleaning with environmentally safe materials and purchasing used stuff instead of new when available. Only by starting small and personal can we begin to grow and work up to noticeable improvements.

With the “green” industry growing - one of few that are – it’s a marvelous opportunity for us to grow bigger and better. For this Earth Day, don’t use meaningless gestures to show the world that you care, but instead, plant seeds that show how you also take care.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Golfer's Day
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”

~ Dean Martin

When the earth was young and cavemen beat the ground with clubs and danced the boo-ga-loo, crowds gathered round in silent awe. Today the same kind of nonsense is simply called golf.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’ve ever overheard conversations on the green – to amateurs who play – sand seems to come alive, clubs become possessed by mischievous sprites, and expensive equipment somehow mystically finds its way into the deep end of ponds.

To those of you who have never chased a puckered ball from here to kingdom come, golf is a sport in which players use assorted clubs including woods, irons, and putters, in an attempt to hit small dimpled spheres from a tee into nearly invisible holes on a putting green in the lowest possible number of strokes. Outside of being a swell way to spend time out of doors, usually in beautiful surroundings, it’s also one of the few ball games that doesn’t use a standardized playing area. Instead, the game is played on uniquely designed golf courses consisting of either 9 or 18 holes.

Golf is the rare sport that can be played by people of any age, and taken up by people of any age (infirmities aside). And motorized golf carts assure the minimum amount of exercise per hour than any other sport except perhaps fishing. Men, women and children alike are drawn to the lure of the lawn. Take for instance golfing superstars like Jack Nicklaus who began playing golf at age ten, Phil Mickelson who began playing golf at age three, Michelle Wie who began playing golf at the age of four and Tiger Woods - possibly the world’s most famous golfer – who began swinging a club when we was only two years old and went on to become the youngest Masters winner ever.

So whether you spend your day chipping away at the putting green, excavating sand traps, fishing “escapees” out of water hazards or crawling around on all fours looking for lost orbs in the tall grass, don’t get “teed” off about grass stains. Remove yours with a mixture of one-third cup white vinegar and two-thirds cup water. Apply the solution to the stain and blot with a clean cloth. Repeat this process until you’ve removed as much green chlorophyll as possible from the spot, and then launder as usual.

Whether you’re an amateur lost on the back nine looking for your ball markers, a sweaty caddie in his shack, or a cocktail swigging old pro who rarely leaves the clubhouse -– with a little bit of luck (and white vinegar) you’ll always look your best while daydreaming of your next bogey.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Arthur Murray’s Birthday
“Please send me your last pair of shoes,
worn out with dancing…
so that I might have something to press against my heart.”
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Perhaps you’re able to dance like John Travolta, Savion Glover or Fred Astaire. But for the rest of us who persistently need a helping rhythmic hand, dance lessons continue to be über necessary. Not only a place to dance, have fun and make new friends, Arthur Murray Dance Studios were and continue to be the perfect place to shake your booty to the measure of the music. If you’re determined to dance or you’re just interested in learning a few new moves for that upcoming wedding, Arthur Murray’s is a great place to learn the latest steps.

Arthur Murray was a dance instructor and businessman, whose name is most often associated with the dance studio chain that bears his name. At the age of 17, Arthur Murray began teaching dance at night while working as a draftsman by day and when the Arthur Murray dance studios were finally opened, others followed. His slogan was “If you can walk, we teach you how to dance.”

In the early eighties, after his 30-plus-year marriage to my mom ended, my dad floundered until he discovered the very same Arthur Murray dance studios in a neighboring town. Once there, he quietly and privately took classes. Although he continued to work nights at a neighboring steel mill and fish at every available moment, little did we know that he had also become obsessed by the lure of the ballroom floor. Unfortunately, it was not until after his death did my sister and brother and I finally come to know about his secret passion for the Fox Trot, the Hustle, the Jitterbug, the Mamba, the Quickstep, Rumba, Salsa, Swing, Tango, and even the Two-Step.

While dismantling his bachelor-pad (complete with waterbed—I said it was the 80s!) did we discover his secret stash of dance-duds - a walk-in closet entirely committed to his ever-growing collection of tuxedo jackets, coats with tails, overcoats, and dinner jackets in orchid-lavender, chocolate-brown, fuchsia-pink, sunshine-yellow, platinum-silver, periwinkle-blue, bubblegum-pink, cherry-red, turquoise, purple, scarlet-red, royal-blue, sage-green and Champaign, each with satin trimmed matching pants, and color mated bow ties, socks, fluorescent patent leather dance shoes, fancy cufflinks, silky handkerchiefs, cummerbunds and mountains of crisply laundered and ironed ruffled and flat fronted shirts.

Whether you’re a closeted dancehall gigolo like my dad or just someone who happens to like the shine of patent leather (still always suitable for Easter and summer footwear), remember to keep yours mirror shiny. Polish them using a soft cloth dampened with full strength white vinegar. Just wipe and gently rub until the shine is fully restored and the vinegar is no longer evident.

Although I never saw my dad do more than bait a hook or change the car’s oil, I can now also imagine him shifting his weight, turning, gliding, leaping, dipping, and shuffling - filled with elegant lively movements, show stopping acrobatic actions, erotic Bob Fosse-like gyrations, and, also just quietly yet gracefully dancing. By unearthing his treasure-trove of ballroom dance costumes my notion of my dad will be forever transformed from the clumsy flat-footed father I thought I knew into the suave yet sophisticated Gene Kelly he privately dreamed of becoming.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

In Honor of National Poetry Month
~ I give you ~

Sonnet to a Slob

Your dishes are piled like skyscrapers
Your sink makes strangers step back.
Rather than bubbles you’re content with troubles
From the housekeeping skills that you lack.

Your dust bunnies corral under couches
Creating powdery white filth and light grime.
It’s not your quirk to go completely berserk
Because dirt in your home’s not a crime.

Your bath wears mold like a parka,
Housing microbes you could never outswim.
Your toilet is frightening; your sink could use brightening
Yours germs sing their own national hymn.

You’ve owned a Bissell, a Dyson, and Hoover,
Though your vacuum now hides in the closet.
You once screamed “Oh heck,” when your cherished Oreck,
Exploded in a cloudy deposit.

Your recycling and garbage are ever growing.
Your refuse overfills each wastebasket.
You’d rather grow bitter than make room for your litter
Or consider to organize, sort, bundle or mask it.

Your laundry’s never sorted by colors.
Your whites are often light-pink.
You’re nothing but smiles while you’re clothes sit in piles
And your dainties linger under your sink.

Your gauchos, white sandals and nude nylons,
Lost scungies, tube socks and shoulder pads,
Your hangers scamper while you dig through your hamper
‘Cause your closet’s filled with dated doodads.

Your grooming skills are not quite polished.
The wrinkles you wear leave you rancorous.
Your trousers are rumpled and your shirt’s clearly crumpled
Some might say that you’re ironing-cantankerous.

Your stove-top is covered with drippings
From the dinner you made yesterday.
Your spilled coffee has thickened, the rest leaves you sickened
Your home is a worrisome display.

Your coat is hung from a doorknob.
Your wet towel’s strewn on your bed.
You’re a cleaning sinner who trips over last night’s dinner
While you imagine a tidier home in your head.

While cleaning isn’t for all,
It’s a necessary task in each home.
Tidy up logically while cleaning ecologically,
And end your piggish syndrome.

Consider the words of this clean-freak.
Even though I can rant on and on.
Though I assert you needn’t convert
‘Cause with effort your mess will be gone.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Albert Einstein’s Birthday
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind,
Then what are we to think of an empty desk?”
~ Albert Einstein

Overflowing ashtrays, piles of books, coffee stained napkins scribbled with half-baked theories, mangled envelopes, semi-scribed journals, purloined pens, dog-eared dailies, notebooks, piles of paper and mountains of unopened letters…the strictness of order and the opposing efficiency of chaos? Well, I dunno’ about that. Albert Einstein may have been brilliant but to this neat-nick, I think he must have been a complete and total slob.

Theories of relativity aside - nobody needs to drop an apple onto my head for me to notice both sides of the tidiness fence – those who see the advantage of having a messy desk and those who slip into flames when a pen is left askew. (Okay. I admit it. I just described myself.)

While revealing your true inner being, if your desk is nasty maybe you’re just disorganized by nature, maybe your productivity skills are rusty, you’ve decided to cozy up to your own special brand of disorder or perhaps you’re the kind of person who – when finished with something - it spirals into a whirling abyss of invisibility. Although your mass-of-mess is mounding into Mount St. Helens, Mount Fuji or even Mount Everest, you’ve become blinded – and to your delusional sightless eyes, your chaos ceases to exist.

Finding the middle ground between what’s tidy and untidy can be slippery. A study at Columbia Business School found that people who keep a dashing desk actually spend more time shuffling through stuff than those who keep it mildly messy - systematizing and salvaging stuff takes time. And when it comes to a messy desk, time is of the essence – for it was our sloppy scientist who once said, “The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.”

Ebbing and flowing like the tide, when your desk is out of control, wrestling your stack of stuff can be absolutely aggravating. Slob that he was, our birthday boy also once said; “Out of clutter find simplicity; from discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

When your messes reach maximum density, make a hole into your Himalayan-sized-hysteria - a gap into your Alpine-shaped-mishap by keeping your tidying trouble-free. Simply commit yourself to digging through your disaster for just five minutes a day.

And once you’ve reached China – umm-errr - your desk top, consider this simple, eco-friendly way of polishing it: Use two parts olive oil mixed with one part lemon juice. Pour just a few drops on a soft cloth, wipe away the dust, scuffs, and fingerprints, and make your wooden desk shine. No sprays, aerosols or chemicals needed—just two natural ingredients, and voila, a clean and polished surface.

Although a clean desk to some may symbolically resemble a blank slate (Yoo-hoo! Is anybody home?) I find peace when my desk is shipshape and tidy. While cleaning yours, you may not find Amelia Earhart or Jimmy Hoffa, some missing masterpieces by Rembrandt, Manet or Vermeer, or even the meaning of life but hopefully you’ll discover a newfound semblance of order and – ultimately - the long-lost surface of of your desk.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Peanut Butter Lovers' Day
“There's nothing like unrequited love to take
all the flavor out of a peanut butter sandwich.”
~ Charlie Brown

Always oily, sticky and gloppy, creamy to extra chunky, pedigreed-and-pricey or down-and-dirty-cheap-o - who among us doesn’t just completely dig the taste of peanut butter?

Because of its immense popularity, peanut butter is one of our nation’s numero-uno delicacies. It’s so beloved that the month of March is now named National Peanut month. (Unfortunate for those who suffer from Arachibutyrophobia – the hysteria from peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. But most especially unfortunate for the millions who suffer from allergies to nuts!)

By 1903, Dr. George Washington Carver, considered by many to be the Father of the Peanut Industry, began his peanut research at the Tuskegee Institute. Peanut butter had already been invented before Carver’s began his horticultural experiments, but many wrongly credit him as being the Father of Peanut Butter. Despite missing out on that really big patent opportunity, the ingenious Dr. Carver did, however, create hundreds of uses for the luscious legume.

Today, the West Coast of the United States prefers chunky, while the East Coast favors creamy brands, but regardless of texture, the average American boy will have consumed approximately 1,500 peanut butter sandwiches by the age of 18. And just one acre of peanuts supplies enough of the legumes to manufacture 30,000 sandwiches.

Today, millions of people pine for peanut butter, and while it’s a common staple in most homes, and it’s relatively inexpensive, it’s not just a condiment for kids. For instance, Demi Moore cures her sugar cravings by snacking on peanut butter, Al Roker has a spoonful of peanut butter every morning, and second First Daughter Sasha Obama loves her daily dose of peanut butter as well. Although it’s virtually every kid's bread and butter, other well-known “Big Kid” fans include Barbara Walters, Bill Clinton, Billy Joel, Cher, Jack Nicholson, Julia Roberts, Larry King, and even Madonna.

My partner, Richard (whose favorite brand happens to be ‘Crazy Richard’s’) easily downs half a jar of the stuff with a spoon every afternoon, while I, on the other hand, enjoy a double-decker peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. Using three slices of bread, I smear peanut butter (chunky style, of course!) on the inside of the two outer slices, followed by spreading jelly or jam onto both sides of the inner slice. Sounds complicated but making it this way eliminates the outside of the sandwich from ever becoming soggy. (Truth be told, it also eliminates my need for a second peanut butter and jelly sandwich!)

But if you happen to get a glop on more than your knife, spoon or bread, remove peanut butter stains from just about any non-porous surface by scraping it up and then wiping it away with warm sudsy water. For excess oil, pile on the baking soda. Sprinkle the area liberally, wait for about ten minutes, wipe away the excess and you’re good to go.

Nutritious and versatile, glop-alicious and good, this month make Dr. Carver proud - remember to go nuts over peanut butter.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

National Battery Day
“Mind is the battery cell,
Intelligence is the switch.”
~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

No, National Battery Day is not meant to give you permission to assault people—thankfully, there is no holiday or any day when that is acceptable. This National Battery Day is brought to you by the companies that produce those things that are “not included” whenever you buy your kid a toy that needs a power source.

Yearly, Americans buy approximately three billion batteries to juice-up their cell phones, computers, radios, toys, watches, hearing aids…you name it. At an average length of two inches, strung end to end, those “disposable” energy sources would be 94,700 miles long – enough to circle the equator almost four times!

And although mercury was banned in the manufacture of alkaline batteries many years ago, many still contain small amounts of this troublesome material and - for some stupid reason - this is an unavoidable part of the mining and manufacturing processes. Ya’ see, when the other metals in alkaline batteries, like zinc and manganese, are mined, small amounts of mercury end up in the raw ore and aren't removed.

While some establishments accept rechargeable batteries for recycling, most refuse to take the alkaline variety wrongly assuming that because they “supposedly” don’t contain any toxic metals, they can just be put into the trash with all of our other garbage.

But when tossed out with the trash, those batteries eventually pollute lakes and streams - they can leach from landfills and therefore expose the environment and ground water to lead and acid and mercury. But between you and me - I think that we can and should recycle all those AAA, AA, C and D alkaline batteries.

And I’m apparently not alone in my thinking. Programs like the Big Green Box program are doing what they can to keep alkaline batteries out of landfills by recycling and recovering the metals in every type of battery. From their U.S. collection locations alkaline batteries are sorted and shipped to a Canadian facility that crushes them to recover the zinc, manganese, mercury and steel.

Walgreen’s, IKEA and Whole Foods, among other businesses, also offer collection sites for your used alkaline batteries. But in the states that “require” consumers to recycle their alkaline batteries, there are many more businesses that participate.

The need for batteries to run our 21st Century lifestyle is only going to grow, so instead of continuing to purchase something that’s bound to stop working, may I suggest that you consider using the newfangled rechargeable batteries instead? Unlike the rechargables from years back, the newest varieties can be recharged easily at home or in your place of business at any available electrical wall outlet, and they actually hold their charge.

And my new, most favorite kind of rechargables are the ones that can actually be charged via a USB port on your computer. They're ingenious! However, I've only found these USB-type rechargables online.

Many of the newest types of rechargeable batteries can be re-used up to 1,000 times, which, if you add it up, is a tremendous savings over their life span even though up-front they cost more to buy than the “disposable” varieties.

So - next time you're out shopping for batteries, forget the ones that will die on you in a week, and instead, pick up lithium-ion or NiMH types - simply because they contain fewer toxic metals, hold a charge, and won't pollute the planet. And just think - while you're saving precious cash and valuable resources, and safely using your new rechargeable batteries over and over and over again, that poor little Energizer Bunny will have keeled over and died a long time ago!

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Valentine's Day
“Most of us can read the writing on the wall;
we just assume it's addressed to someone else.”
~Ivern Ball

Some fables – ancient or modern - ooze with the doe-eyed dedication of imagined perfect individuals, fairy-tale characters, supermodels or movie stars, and the empowerment gained by a sweetheart’s strength. Syrupy romance or not, such tales prove that affection, devotion, tenderness, obsession, and - dare I say love – is eternal. Take for instance Guinevere and Lancelot, Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas, Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn, Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe (well maybe not the best of examples), Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor (again and again and again), John Lennon and Yoko Ono, Johnny Cash and June Carter, Sir Elton John and David Furnish, J. Howard Marshall and Anna Nichole Smith, and even those star-crossed lovers Tony and Maria or their Elizabethan role-models, Romeo and Juliet.

The name Romeo has become synonymous with “lover” because - as a character from Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” - he experiences love. What Juliet, however, shares with Romeo are deeper feelings, genuine emotions and are more unique than his puppy love. She shatters Romeo’s shallow view of love, moving him to speak some of the most beautiful love poetry ever written…”When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.” – “Love goes toward love.”

Notes of infatuation, memos of obsession or passionate communications new or old have appeared throughout time as scribbled romantic words, hearts-n-arrows and tangled initials – even on the walls of Juliet Capulet’s house in Verona.

The celebrated balcony where Juliet pined for Romeo, has, for centuries been a pilgrimage for lovers, and remains one of Italy’s most visited sites. Lovers’ graffiti left on the house’s walls and doors include passionate scribbled words, letters, doodles and even post-it-like notes stuck on with bubble gum. As an act of preservation, Juliet’s house is regularly scrubbed clean of its love notes.

On this Valentine’s Day, if your personal Romeo (or Juliet) should leave missives of love scrawled or meticulously written in either crayon or pencil, breathe easy in knowing that baking soda can remove both from walls. To remove your sweetheart’s sonnet, just make a paste of baking soda with a bit of water, scrub the lovelorn area, and then rinse with clean water.

The saying goes “Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.” So whether they’re rhymes for your Honey, limericks from your Love, couplets for your pet, odes from your Beloved, prose for your Precious, or verse from your True Love, remember to allow your words of devotion to speak from your heart and not from your wall.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Buddy Holly
"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Berthold Auerbach

With dreams bigger than the wide-open Texan sky, nerdy glasses and fresh-face, Buddy Holly -- with his facade of smiling innocence and wholesome good looks -- became America's kid next door. This February 3rd marks the 50th anniversary of "The Day the Music Died," when Holly's brilliant potential was cut short at the age of 22, after the small plane he shared with Ritchie Valens (17) and the Big Bopper (28) crashed in Clear Lake, Iowa.

Born to Ella and Lawrence Odell Holley, on September 7, 1936, Charles Hardin Holley was born in Lubbock, Texas -- then a home to blinding dust storms.

The Dust Bowl or the Dirty Thirties was an environmental and human tragedy set off by decades of continued drought and land abuse (some fear another dust bowl could be around the corner). Devoid of crop rotation, endless over-plowing and without methods to end erosion, the virgin topsoil of the Great Plains -- Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Colorado and Kansas -- just blew away.

What didn't blow away, however, was the budding American singer-songwriter and pioneer of rock and roll -- considered one of the greatest musicians of all time -- Buddy Holly. Although his success lasted only a year and a half, his music was to be admired, interpreted, and even performed by The Beatles and The Rolling Stones.

Also not blown away but now probably gathering dust are the huge black horn-rims that made almost every girl or guy look like Buddy Holly as well. Corrective, safety, photosensitive, 3D, bifocal, trifocal, progressive, rimless, wacky like Elton John's or Dame Edna's or horn-rimmed like Buddy Holly's -- dusty or not, all spectacles need cleaning.

To do so, never use any soaps or anything that contains ammonia. Instead, run warm tap water over both sides of each lens to wash away the oo-and-goo that may have settled on them. Then proceed to clean them with a fifty-fifty mixture of white vinegar and distilled water in a spray bottle.

Also, never dry eyeglasses with anything that began as wood -- paper towels, toilet paper or tissue -- because they contain abrasives that'll scratch lenses. Instead, cut up an old t-shirt, or better yet, dry eyeglass lenses with silk from an old necktie. Remember to wash your homemade cleaning cloths often because the dust and dirt trapped within them will eventually scratch your lenses, too.

When we think of the fifties -- a world where teenagers greeted rock-n-roll as if it were a rainstorm in the dust bowl -- we think of Buddy Holly's clean-cut, nerdy yet iconic image, and a time when everything -- not just eyeglasses -- seemed so much simpler, and visibly crystal-clean.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Inspire Your Heart with Art
“After enlightenment, the laundry.”
~Zen Proverb

While climbing the metaphorical slippery cliffs between canyons of paintings of cherubs and canvasses smeared with what almost resembles a newborn’s fecal matter, most of us plummet into art-idiocy without a net. What the “slurping-Champagne-noses-in-the-air” types shower with praise and what the “common-Joe” thinks stinks are often one and the same. Art, much like everything else, is a completely personal experience. Clued-in or not – forming your own opinion is what art appreciation is all about.

Artists stimulate our senses with line, shape, form, space, texture and color. And throughout the ages humans have tinkered with these same basic elements with an almost primal urge to create something where there once was nothing. But to understand it all a bit more clearly, with a little guidance, anyone can muster enough know-how certain to make even Andy Warhol do flip-flops in his grave. I hope that my super-abbreviated history of art, below, might be of help:

Although they’re priceless, antiquities often seem like objects dug out of your neighbor’s marigold patch, and even though they’re in prized museum collections, they kinda’ look like they’ve been glued together in someone’s basement.

On the other hand, the Greeks and Romans made idealized sculptures of naked, mostly-male bodies that now unfortunately have missing parts…noses, ears, arms and other “protrusions.” (Ummm? A fig leaf anyone?)

Although not as old as the Roman Empire, 800-year-old medieval artwork often seems cruder than the shattered bits of this-and-that found in the antiquities gallery. But, being the art connoisseur that you’re now becoming, you, too, can now “Oooh-and-Ahhh” because you can see beyond their shortcomings and seemingly primitive and highly stylized intricacies, instead.

Next stop – the early Renaissance. This is where you’ll expect to see a lot of spooky, two-dimensional, religious-like figures stiffly gesturing and wearing glittery, gold leafed halos and flowing robes, usually posed in some unnatural way, supposedly jabbering on about one moral tale or another.

Often less religious and infinitely more “sugary sweet,” Baroque and Rococo art introduces us to the “more-is-more” school of thought, in which slickly painted voluptuous ladies, cherubs zooming around the clouded heavens, heaps of flowers, the occasional goose or peacock, lutes, mountains of expensive looking fabrics and tassels, tassels, tassels fill the canvases.

Step into the Impressionistic and Post-Impressionistic galleries and the subject matter all of a sudden comes back down to earth by offering textural paintings of real-life, everyday junk and ordinary people in commonplace settings and situations. These were scandalous in their day, but now seem super-tame to our jaded eyes.

Like I’ve tried to explain, art is for everyone – but not everyone will like everything, and that’s OK. What I like best is artwork that shows everyday, ordinary folks doing regular things. And, being the cleaning nut that I am, I always get the biggest rise outta’ seeing great works of art that depict people doing chores. The famous Impressionist paintings of Degas, the Post-Impressionist images of Toulouse-Lautrec, the modern paintings of Pablo Picasso, and even the artwork of the prominent American Pop artist, Roy Lichtenstein, all made paintings of folks doing, of all things, their laundry. How mundane, yet how heavenly (for me, at least!).

When artists have creative blocks they doodle, excercise, listen to music, read, take a drive, go for a walk, write, study works of the old masters or procrastinate by doing boring things like the laundry. But when your washing machine has a block – creative or not – it’s a whole lot easier to resolve. To unclog soap scum formations from the inside of your washing machine, pour a whole gallon of white vinegar into the washer tub and run it full cycle. The white vinegar magically melts the built-up gunk away.

The motivation to create can come from anywhere. Throughout history works of art have inspired confidence, innovation, passion, science, wellness, and sometimes – lucky for us - even more great art. But in my case, silly as it seems, those paintings of folks doing chores have motivated me to do mountains of laundry. Now that’s inspiration!

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

In With the New

If our last president - George Bush - had said in his farewell speech, "Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand?” we might have thought he was actually having a moment of clarity and remorse. But unfortunately, these words are Shakespeare’s from Macbeth, and not W’s.

First or last, it seems most Presidents since the founding of our country have come in various shapes and sizes, ages, disciplines and principles. But what many of them seem to have in common is their unwavering obsession with cleanliness…literally or figuratively.

For instance, George Washington had a thing about clean fingernails while Ulysses S. Grant apparently had squeaky-clean skin. Before his election, Abraham Lincoln was clean-shaven, and John Fitzgerald Kennedy always kept a clean desk.

Grover Cleveland cooperated with Theodore Roosevelt to clean up state politics, Herbert Hoover committed himself to pollution-free streams and clean beaches, Gerald Ford dedicated himself to cleaning up pollution, and Bill Clinton blocked Republican attempts to roll back the Clean Water and Air Acts.

On the other side of the coin - Richard Nixon stepped down to allow someone else to clean up his mess. Ronald Reagan made certain that the pools of the rich were kept clean, and George Bush received a clean bill of health while tens of millions of Americans went without healthcare.

And while facing similar problems President Obama will have to address, it was Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said at his own inauguration “We face the arduous days that lie before us in the warm courage of the national unity…with the clean satisfaction that comes from the stern performance of duty by old and young alike.”

With his dream team of young and old scientists, policy experts, and economists set to toil under the gloom and doom of rising unemployment, home foreclosures, global turmoil, the destruction of our civil liberties, world hunger and starvation, genocide, and an ever-looming climate crisis, the historic inauguration of Barack Obama falls in the worst economic climate in three generations.

It was Shakespeare who also wrote in Macbeth about potions offered up to extraordinary and substantial effect. Hopefully our new president can perform his own brand of magic by allaying our fears, restoring our national dignity, reversing the economic crisis, creating green jobs, declaring peace, and cleaning up the eight-year-old Bush-Cheney stain on the fabric of our country.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Happy Birthday,
Rush Limbaugh & Howard Stern
“Don't be afraid of opposition.
Remember, a kite rises against, not with the wind.”
~ Hamilton Wright Mabie

Cleaver or stupid, dirty or clean, good or bad, right or wrong, right or left, safe or dangerous, simple or complicated – Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern, literally and metaphorically face away from one another, and move through the world in opposite directions. If perchance they were to meet, they’d be like oil and water.

Rush Limbaugh - the stereotypical conservative talk show host, is sharply critical of feminism, marriage equality, environmentalism and climate science, drug abuse (except, hypocritically, his own), and is chronically inaccurate and distorting on so many issues, and equally unaccountable to anyone but his advertisers. Limbaugh was born on January 12th and is a radical Right American radio jockey, as well as an ultra-conservative political talking head.

On the other end of the spectrum lies Howard Stern – who’s openly tempted by strippers and female porn stars, fantasizes about sex with lesbians (while he’s likely reviled by most of them), and is often the target of stalkers and death threats. The cranky, scatological, sexualized, “sophomoronic,” and self-proclaimed "King of All Media," is a true Libertarian, an on-again-off-again eco-crusader and, just like Limbaugh, also an American radio host and television personality. (Hmmm? He’s was also born January 12th. Any astrologists out there wanna help explain this phenomenon?)

It’s amazing that these two men were born on the same day and followed similar career paths. They both ended up doing the same jobs, but each doing it so completely differently, each an absolute original, and both developing committed cult followings. Upon closer inspection, you’ll notice that one is a wacky, out-of-control, bombastic and self-promoting, insecure yet opinionated larger-than-life overachiever. And the other one – um, well - he’s also a wacky, out-of-control, bombastic and self-promoting, insecure yet opinionated larger-than-life overachiever. They’re polar opposites. But the contradiction is in their similarities – an almost parasitic/host scenario – two sides to a bad penny. Together you’ve got something like gale force winds feeding an out of control brush fire – one bad thing making yet another bad thing even worse.

And what a wonderful metaphor for contradiction - oil and water – the two most precious resources on earth. (No…I’m no longer referring to Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern.)

There’s no substitute for water. In fact, the United Nations considers access to clean drinkable water as a fundamental human right. Only three percent of the water on earth is potable freshwater; the rest is saltwater, and only 20 percent of the world’s population has running water, while more than one billion people have absolutely no access to clean water. Think about that the next time you leave the tap running while you brush your teeth!

But oil? (In my opinion - the guys are kinda’ oily, too, but hey, we’re now into the “serious” part of the blog!). There’s precious little fossil fuel oil on the planet, and we’re going through it like there is no tomorrow. But, there are mountains of environmentally friendly, clean and renewable alternatives such as wind, solar, hydro and biofuels. Think about that the next time you brush your teeth, too—hey, you gotta think of something, so why not something eco-conscientious?

Dirty or clean, good or bad, right or wrong, safe or dangerous, simple or complicated – it’s all about the choices we make. And that includes listening to either Rush Limbaugh or Howard Stern, too.

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.

Please consider the environment.

Fruitcake Toss Day
“It's not the thing you fling, it's the fling itself.”
~ Chris Stevens (“Northern Exposure”)

Call me a fuddy-duddy but I actually crave this mysterious and marbled, everlasting, unyielding, imperishable, rock-hard Christmas delicacy before and after the holidays. (Minus the marbled and rock hard part – I think I may have just described myself. Hmmm?) I really do eat them and have found that the cheaper the fruitcake, the better the taste. (But so much for my low-end gastronomy.)

My burning question is “Does anybody really have a clue what’s actually hiding in a packaged holiday fruitcake?” It usually weighs more than a doorstop (I’m just guessing here) and if wrapped in contact paper, it might perhaps last indefinitely.

Nelly men like myself aside (yes, I take pride in being a Fruitcake!) – fruitcakes of the baked variety have a longstanding tradition. Consider its origins found in references from Roman times. Recipes that included barley mash, honey, pine nuts, pomegranate seeds, raisins and spices slapped and stuck together for traveling crusaders and hunters on the go – the Clif Bar, if you will, of antiquity. Historically, they were made with the intent to be eaten an entire year later. In fact, in an attempt to display ladylike restraint, moderation and fine taste - The Queen Mum (while showing no such restraint when it came to her gin) waited an entire year to eat hers too.

Most modern fruitcakes are mass-manufactured to accommodate Yule-time mass-consumption, and are actually comprised “mostly” of good stuff, and are scrumptious to some, yet vile to others. Store-bought varieties are ready-to-serve but – unfortunately – because they’ve not had time to fully congeal, leave behind telltale moist-n-murky stains.

While dried fruits and nuts, mounds of sugar, flour and booze painfully glued together resulting in a cake more impenetrable than kryptonite may be yummy to someone like myself – others might prefer consuming potting soil. Created just for folks who’d rather eat dirt, I proudly present “Fruitcake Toss Day.”

To celebrate the festivities of Fruitcake Toss Day, your first challenge is to not open the package – to most, this is a given, not a challenge! (And don’t leave it unwrapped just for re-gifting purposes either. “Oh…a fruitcake! You shouldn’t have. Really! Harrumph.) While not much can damage the bugger, hurling its unprotected, sticky and slimy carcass might offer some unforeseen oily offenses worse than the consumption of the fruitcake itself.

The laws of nature truly apply to this ritual. It was Sir Isaac Newton who said it best, “What goes up, must come down.” And the splatter of a tossed fruitcake is far greasier than you would ever imagine. Therefore, for oil on your driveway, sidewalk or garage floor – from fruitcake tosses or the ordinary automobile leakage - sprinkle baking soda over the spots to absorb them. Then, add just a little bit of water to the baking soda - enough to form a paste. Next, with a brush in your hand or a scrubby pad under the sole of your shoe, work it up. Rinse with clean water, and repeat if necessary.

Fruitcake Toss Day can be a family event, neighborhood event, or just a private way to relieve holiday stress. Either fully entombed in its original wrapping or left to the elements, Fruitcake Toss Day is your opportunity to toss, chuck, hurl, pitch, lob or heave this weighty lump of wasted calories and say, “Look! There! Up in the sky! It’s…a fruitcake?”

(Word of caution: Remember - this isn’t Dodge ball. Flying fruitcakes leave welts.)

Michael De Jong, is the author of “Clean: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing,” and “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself” (www.zencleansing.com) produced by Joost Elffers Design and published by Sterling Publishers. He lives in Jersey City with his partner, dog and three goldfish, all of which benefit from his natural cleaning techniques. He is currently writing a companion series of “CLEAN” books dealing with such topics as the body, first aid, organization, as well as posting weekly blogs on Hearst’s “The Daily Green” (http://www.thedailygreen.com/green-homes/blogs/nontoxic/ ) and the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-dejong). His books can be purchased at Barnes & Noble stores across the country or on-line at www.barnesandnoble.com or www.amazon.com.
Please consider the environment.